Thursday, December 30, 2010

I'm an Oxymoron

I have come to the realization that I am an oxymoron; a complete contradiction. It seems as if every aspect of me, from my religious beliefs, to my personality and political leanings, contradicts each other.
It's hard to explain but I'll try anyways:

I'm highly logical and am always thinking about something but I'm far from times I feel too deeply and I tend to empathize and sympathize with people far too much.

I'm talkative but introverted. I may seem outgoing, but being social is difficult for me and I'm never truly myself with others.

I love to help others and make people happy but I'm completely sarcastic, sometimes caustically so.

I am both an eternal optimist and a skeptic cynic; I'm an idealist but a realist.

I'm an anti-conformist, but secretly I yearn to belong.

I was raised Catholic and a huge part of me is Catholic, but at the same time, the logical part of me is constantly questioning faith and the logic of it all.

I'm pro-life but pro-gay marriage; apparently that's a contradiction but I'm not sure how.

I'm down-to-earth, feet firmly planted, but my mind tends to be in the clouds at times.  I'm a thinker but highly imaginative as well.

To make a long story short, I confuse myself. It's as if every single facet of me has a yin to its yang. Maybe that's a good thing; I don't know , but I don't think I'll be changing any time soon; be that for the better or the worse, I'm not sure.

Keep Reading,

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Sleep: A Love-Hate Relationship

I have a love-hate relationship with sleep; sometimes it loves me, other times it hates me but I ALWAYS hate it!

I've had "issues" with sleep since I was a wee one: sleep always seemed to evade me until the last second and then when my mom would come in to wake me up for school in the morning I would be dead to the world.
I'm 21 now and not much has changed. I take sleeping pills and a medicine for Parkinson's disease so that my RLS (Restless Legs Syndrome) doesn't drive me insane. I'm up to 2 Lunesta now and despite what they say on TV, I am not being winged off to sleep every night and then awakening as refreshed as a butterfly emerging from her cocoon for the first time. F%!$ that! If I manage to fall asleep I get jarred awake, eventually, by a super loud vibrating alarm clock made for deaf people, or I don't wake up until around dinner time.

I hate it. When I get into bed at night, I never know whether or not I'm actually going to feel sleepy and get some shut-eye. And if I do, I never know what time I'll wake up. The sad thing is that I follow all the rules: I crawl into bed early after a warm shower and a hot cup of Sleepy Time tea (along with sleeping pills), I read non-thought-provoking books with a small book light; my room is dark and at an ideal temperature for sleeping. I do nothing in my bed but sleep (and occasionally eat in my sleep). But it's all for naught! Why do I have to try so ridiculously hard just to sleep!?!?!? And I've tried other medicines but they just aren't hip to my jive.

Oh and did I mention the one constant when it comes to my sleep? Nightmares...every flippin night! I don't mean "oo shit I got a D on my test nightmares" oh no I mean "this will scar Stephen King for life" nightmares. Murder, dismemberment....YIKES

Like almost every area of my life, there is no happy medium but like every other area of my life, I try really hard.

Thats all for now folks!
I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Perfectionism...the great misnomer

Ah yes perfectionism...the great misnomer. It's almost humorous in it's irony but unfortunately it's usually too pathetic to be funny. As a person trapped in a hole tries frantically to escape, clawing their way towards freedom only to fall right back into the abyss, a perfectionist can never attain their ultimate goal. They will never be good enough; perfect isn't perfect enough.

I am an unabashed perfectionist. But don't confuse perfectionism with perfection ...I certainly don't. I often joke that people who dislike me or intentionally hurt me should realize that no one is meaner to me than I am; and it's true. I see every physical flaw of mine in high-definition; I see every character defect, every mistake as clearly as if there were flashing lights and neon green arrows calling my attention to them. Good isn't good enough. Nothing bothers me more than getting a 99% on a test. I can't accept a compliment to save my life especially if it's about my appearance. I want to shout and say "don't you see the bump in my nose? how my eyes can never make up their minds as to what color they are? how my stomach isn't flat enough and my thighs not toned enough?" but I never do...I usually brush off the compliment with a snide comment or a mumbled reply.

I know why I'm a perfectionist-- I think that if I'm skinny enough, funny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, hell everything enough, everyone will love me and then I'll be blissfully happy and live happily ever after. Unfortunately I'm a realist and I realize that's not going to happen; but it doesn't keep me from trying to be all of those things and more. I try not to broadcast the fact that I desperately want to be perfect; I don't want people to realize how hard I try and how pitifully I fail. Perfectionism reeks of desperation and I don't want anyone to smell the stench emanating from me.

There's a saying...perfection is the enemy of good and I can't agree more. When nothing is good enough for you, you become your own worst enemy. It's like that dysfunctional parent-child relationship in which the child tries so desperately to do things right so they can gain the parent's approval and love but they never quite measure up; only in a way, perfectionism is even worse than that because if you can't accept yourself, flaws and all, who will? When the world beats you up and shows its worse, shouldn't you be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy?

On that happy note,
That's all for now folks!
Keep reading and commenting!

Am I Good Enough Yet? (an article by Ann Smith on perfectionism and how to combat it)

Christmas is over...time for New Year's Resolutions!

Americans don't like to linger; we are constantly moving forward, for the better or worse I'm not sure, but the fact of the matter is that Americans live in a fast-paced society. The second Halloween is over we break out the Thanksgiving decorations; the second Thanksgiving is over up go the Christmas decorations. Well now that Christmas is over and people are realizing the depth of their overindulgence or  perhaps pondering on what they want to do differently, out come the pens and paper to start New Year's resolutions (NYRs)

I for one am a huge fan of NYRs...I like the feeling of hope and optimism that always seems to accompany a brand new year and a list full of resolutions. As the New Year approaches and I think about all the things I want to change and the ways in which I want to improve myself I can't help but wonder how many of those NYRs will last. As I trolled the internet for studies and facts to help me on my journey to a good and realistic NYR list I stumbled across this article from Psychology Today: NYR Success. It was fairly enlightening. But then I saw this article: Don't Make NYRs about how making NYRs is bad for your health: they add pressure and stress and they aren't conducive to long-term change. I have to agree with the author's argument. Just as strict dieting eventually leads to overeating making NYRs eventually leads to breaking NYRs. 

But even though I agree whole-heartedly with the author I can't help myself; I need to make that list and check it twice, punish myself for being naughty not nice....I'm a perfectionist in every sense of the word. So despite the inefficacy of resolutions, I shall make them again this year, and probably every year and I will try valiantly to keep all of them until I inevitably crash and burn and eat that pint of Ben&Jerry' inevitable failure will not deter me! I will relish the challenge. 

That's all for now folks!
Keep reading and commenting!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Randomocity: Lost in Target

 When I was younger, I was that kid whose name you heard called over the intercom at Target being asked to report to the front to meet their mother. (I was also that kid who would hide in the clothing racks and jump out and scare the shit out of people). The second we walked into the store I would get lured deep into the store far far away from my family; drawn by whatever shiny object caught my eye. As my ADD spiraled out of control, every item shouting my name, I would drift from department to department mesmerized by whatever managed to distract me next; time would lose all meaning; I would lose myself in the useless but fascinating items that Target had seen fit to provide me with.
Unfortunately, not much has changed. However, this past weekend I had a valid excuse: I was sleepy. See..I've been trying weawwy hard to go to bed early and wake up early and I've gotten half of the equation right (yay math skills); I've been getting up early but eh the other half is hit or miss. But I digress. On Saturday I went to Target to get 2 things. Well my usual Target didn't have what I needed so I Googled the next closest Target and went on my merry way. I got lost 4 times on my way which is embarassing enough but to make matters worse I had actually used my iPhone Map App to figure out how to get there and then had Sally my (not so) trusty GPS running the whole time to guide me to my destination. Needless to say, it was "not a fruitful endeavor" (FG). Anywho, I finally got to Target at 6:00 pm. I left the store at 8:00pm. I literally got lost in Target. Now, this is understandable if you're a child, blind, or suffering from dementia, but I am none of those things (I had my glasses on). It was so embarrasing. I got hopelessly turned around: up was down, east was west, left was get the point. I was going to use  my Map App to guide me to the front of the store but I'm pretty sure Apple has yet to develop turn by turn directions for inside of stores.
I traversed the entire store but I'm happy to say I emerged (more or less) unscathed. Note: If anyone needs to know what aisle they sell Depends in just ask me!

Thats all for now folks
Thanks for reading!

P.S. I'm writing this at the library on campus because my computer battery adapter gave out (ironically just as I was ordering a new charger) and am currently sitting next to a guy who gives new meaning to the phrase "heavy breather". He sounds like a porn star circa the 1970s. YIKES

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Rant: Carpet Cleaning Catastrophe

Today started out great...
I woke up early and got a bunch done. I even ticked off everything on my To-Do-List. So how then, in 4 hours, did things go wrong so quickly and disastrously? I have no idea...but here's what happened: I decided to rent a carpet cleaning machine. (duh duh duh!!!)

I headed over to Ace Hardware to rent said carpet cleaner. I got the cleaning solution, the machine and the upholstery cleaner...check check and check. If it hadn't been for the guy helping me who kept calling me love (no unfortunately he wasn't British...just a creeper with a missing tooth) it would have been an ideal trip to the store.

Before I headed home I went to the library, returned some books and checked out 16 more :D I wassss going to check out more but they didn't have the first book in 2 series I wanted to start. Who the heck does that?!?!?!

Finally I headed back to my place where I lugged the carpet cleaner machine and assorted accessories into the house. I was pleased to see upon arrival that Choop aka Big Spenda (my cat) had not peed on my bed again! Yay for small victories!!!
And then I started cleaning...the plot thickens!!!!

So I cleaned everything off my floor, bed, couch etc and moved things around. I vacuumed thoroughly as per the directions on the bottle of carpet cleaner then carefully measured the HOT water and cleaner and poured in to the machine. Instant disaster! Water everywhere! I figured I just overflowed it. I mopped up the puddle and brought the machine out to my family room and set it on the carpet.

I was examining the upholstery attachment to see how it attached to the machine when looked over and saw a massive puddle of water...all around me and my T.V. (which happens to be on the floor because I have yet to find a corner entertainment cart worthy of my amazingly high-tech (ironyyyy) beast of a T.V.)  With cat-like reflexes I pranced into my closet and grabbed a towel, then tried to soak up the mess; I wheeled the gargantuan contraption back into my room thinking that I could solve the problem by starting up the machine and getting rid of some of the excess water by cleaning part of the carpet in my room.

It worked!!! No ginormous puddles. Sooo then I decided to clean my mattress which was the whole point of getting the carpet cleaner thanks to the Eau de Choop Urine on my mattress (and couch)(granted I had actually cleaned up everything thoroughly but eh OCD). Well, I examined the upholstery attachment and after about 20 minutes of fiddling with it I managed to get it on...but it didn't work...I thought I was just an idiot so I fiddled some more. No go! The suction worked but the spray didn't come out. I decided to humble myself and call A.C.E. The customer service rep informed me that I did it right but there was obviously something wrong with the hose so I needed to return it. After I hung up I tried some more and it still didn't work so I thought I'd get rid of all the cleaning solution by cleaning the carpet again. shorted out...over and over. I reluctantly admitted defeat.

I needed to get rid of the 5 gallons of water in the machine so I went on my patio dumped the water and managed to wheel it out to my station wagon AND get it in the trunk using my back since the trunk won't stay up by itself.
I managed to get to ACE 5 minutes before they closed and they gave me a full refund! YAYYY!

I jumped in my car and was driving back to my place and decided to give Fry's a call and see if they had carpet cleaning machines. They did!!! I told the lady I'd be right there.

10 minutes later after securing an excellent parking spot I walked up to customer service at Fry's. The jerkasauraus of a cashier ignored me. So I worked up my courage and asked who I was supposed to talk to in order to rent a Rug Doctor. The kid looks at me and goes: "We quit renting them out for the night. We only rent them out from 8am-8pm. It was exactly 8:03 pm. So I says to the guy as I'm staring right at the machines: "But I called a few minutes ago and a woman told me to come in."
My arch nemesis said "Sorry it's too late."

My Intro...

Will eventually go here